Wazzup Pilipinas!?
Here's one hard
truth we all have to face as adults: rom-coms and Disney movies lied to us.
There's no such thing as a perfect relationship that's free from squabbles or
petty fights.
One minute you're
looking up Asian
brides on a dating website and stumbling upon the love of your life. The next
minute, you're both yelling at each other in the kitchen over a sink full of
unwashed dishes.
Inasmuch as we all
want a fairytale romance that ends in a firm happily-ever-after, real life
relationships don't exactly work that way. There will be days when your
happily-ever-after feels like an angrily-ever-after. The worst part? Love isn't
enough to pull you through on those days.
So what can you
do? Well, if you're looking to build a quiet and happy relationship with your
spouse, here are some tips that can get you through the bad days:
Acknowledge your
feelings
Sometimes, you may
start an argument with your spouse because of an underlying emotion or
situation that you haven't acknowledged yet. For instance, you may think that
you're upset with your husband because he left a wet towel lying on the bed
again. However, in reality, you may actually be hurt because he never
appreciates the work you put in around the house.
If you don't
acknowledge this feeling and its primary cause, resentment will continue to
build up and before you know it, you're laying into your partner for
"breathing too loudly."
So what do you do?
The next time you have an argument or disagreement with your spouse, take a few
minutes to self-reflect. Ask yourself questions that will help you identify how
you truly feel, such as: why am I really angry right now? What do I actually
need?
When you identify
how you truly feel, you become able to communicate better and iron out issues
with your spouse.
Listen to each
other
We get it: you’ve
had a really long day and you’ll give anything to be able to lay down on some
crisp, clean sheets and fall asleep. Unfortunately, your spouse chooses that
very moment to start talking about how bad their day was and how annoying the
new coworker is. What do you do? Do you ignore them and just hit the sack, or
should you take a few minutes to listen to whatever it is they have to
say?
Of course, this is
a no-brainer. If you're looking to build a happy and peaceful relationship with
your spouse, you should be willing to listen to them even when it's
inconvenient for you.
However, this
doesn't just apply to pillow talk alone. During arguments, regardless of how
"right" you feel you are, don't talk over your partner. You should
give them the opportunity to express their feelings and listen to them
constructively.
Use the compliment
sandwich
"My partner
is always criticizing me. It's like I never do anything right!"
We've all heard
this line before. From couples therapy to divorce courts, this scenario always
plays out when a marriage is headed for the rocks.
Here's the thing:
it's completely okay to point out your partner's flaws or shortcomings.
However, you have to do it constructively so as not to hurt their
feelings.
That's why we've
come up with the compliment sandwich. It's just like a regular sandwich but
with compliments acting as bread slices and criticism as peanut butter or
jelly. It involves complimenting your partner first, pointing out their
shortcomings, and then wrapping it up with another compliment.
For instance, if
your partner constantly spills water and makes a mess in the kitchen while
doing the dishes, you could say something like:
"Babe,
thank you so much for doing the dishes tonight. You've been really helpful, but
could you try mopping up after? The spilled water always makes a mess that I'll
have to deal with in the morning. Other than that, you're the best!"
See? In just a few
sentences, you've managed to point out what's irking you without making your
partner feel terrible. It's definitely better than saying something like:
"Why do
you always have to spill water on the floor? I have to clean all of this in the
morning and it's so annoying. Can't you just mop up after?"
While these two
sentences are conveying the same message, the former will guarantee better,
happier results while the latter will only lead to a sulking partner who feels
unappreciated.
Don't bottle
things up
Your partner
stepped out for a couple of drinks with some friends. You're mad at them for
bailing out on a cozy night in, and it's perfectly understandable. However,
when they try to reach out to you, you keep giving one-word answers so that
they could figure out you're angry and then apologize.
Unfortunately,
this is no way to communicate and is a sure recipe for disaster. Your partner
may be many things, but we can bet they aren't mind readers. If they can't read
your mind and you don't communicate, they certainly won't understand why you're
unhappy or how to make you happy.
Studies
have shown that there is a strong link between communication and
satisfaction in marriages. Thus, when ugly scenarios pop up, try as much as
possible to help your partner see things from your point of view instead of
bottling your emotions up or giving them the silent treatment.
Date your
spouse
Everyone says that
marriage loses its lustre after the first few years. Once the kids start
coming, you'll find yourselves focusing on your new responsibilities and bills.
Before you know it, the spark you once had with your partner is long
gone.
However, it
doesn't always have to be this way. Whether you've been married for over a
decade or not, you can still enjoy the honeymoon phase with your spouse and
keep the spark alive.
Wondering how to
do this? It's simple. Schedule weekly date nights where you and your partner
can dress up, go to a fancy restaurant, and have a quiet candle-lit
dinner.
You could also go
to see a movie together or schedule a simple ice-cream date. Regardless of your
personal preferences, there are tons of opportunities to have a nice, romantic
date with your partner.
Find something to
appreciate about your partner everyday
As a married
couple, it's easy to lose sight of what attracted you to your partner in the
first place. Over time, the long, luscious hair you once fell in love with
might turn into a perpetual messy bun. The charming smile that once made your
heart flutter could be replaced by stress lines and a scowling demeanor.
However, instead
of focusing on these changes, it's important to identify one or more positive
things about your partner every day and appreciate them for being as they are.
It could be something as simple as them bringing you coffee or holding your
hand as you both walk down the street.
Just tell them how
much you appreciate their tiny acts of kindness and service. This can go a long
way in encouraging them and keeping your marriage happy.
Apologize and
accept apologies in return
During an
argument, emotions tend to run high and vicious words may slip out, no matter
how hard we try to rein them in. However, even after tempers may have cooled
down, it's important to ensure that you apologize sincerely to your partner. If
you struggle with pride and you find it hard to apologize verbally, you can
start by writing them a heartfelt note that expresses how sorry you are.
Over time, learn
how to swallow
your pride (no matter how lumpy it may feel) and offer a sincere
verbal apology. Don't try to put the blame on your partner by saying things
like:
"I'm sorry
if you felt offended by what I said".
Ifs or buts have
no place in a sincere apology. Apologies like these are often insincere and are
a trademark of gaslighters. Instead, take full responsibility and apologize
without trying to share the blame.
In the same vein,
when your partner offers a sincere apology, don't hold their offenses over
their heads by reminding them every week of what they did. Accept the apology
in good faith and move on.
Give each other
personal space
Here's the thing:
as a married couple, you're probably in each other's faces 24/7, except for the
hours when you're both at work. Even though your partner truly loves you and
will fight off a thousand gremlins for you, they probably need a little
personal space every now and then.
On some days, they
may want to go out for a few drinks with some friends or have some alone time
with their phone. Respect their basic need for space and let them enjoy a
little personal time.
It may seem
strange, but it definitely doesn't change how they feel about you and it
certainly doesn't mean that your marriage is headed for the rocks. Rather, this
wll help you both spend time enjoying the things you love separately and when
they get home, you both can reconvene and talk about how your day went.
In the same vein,
try to get in a little "you" time occasionally. Get a new haircut,
hang out with your friends, or even go see a movie alone. Remember: when you do
the things you love, you'll be much happier, and that happiness will seep into your
relationship.
Final
Thoughts
Keeping your
marriage happy and peaceful is harder than the movies make it seem. However,
the little consistent things can really go a long way in helping you enjoy
marital bliss with your spouse. With these tips outlined above, you can
strengthen your marriage and make it a fun adventure that anyone would
admire.
Here's to a happy,
quiet, and peaceful marriage!
Author's Bio
Kelly Richardson
is an exceptional writer and dating coach at BroomStickWed. Over time, she
has helped several men and women find love online without falling prey to
scammers or online predators.
Ross is known as the Pambansang Blogger ng Pilipinas - An Information and Communication Technology (ICT) Professional by profession and a Social Media Evangelist by heart.
